Good afternoon!
I have been asking myself, and have been asked a lot lately about why I art?
Well, the short answer is that it is fun, but the long answer is that I have been using art journaling and mixed media to deal with a lot of stuff going on with me right now, mentally and emotionally!
I left a 14 year career in IT healthcare in July of 2014. I left with the idea that I was just taking a break…that this was just a sabbatical, and as soon as I was rested, then I would put my pantyhose and business clothes back on and get back to work. Well…I hadn’t really let myself listen to my soul whispers in almost 14 years, if not longer! I realized that, when I finally did get quiet, there was a lot going on inside of here that I had just really stuffed down, and did my best to hide from everyone including myself. As I started to get quiet and just listen, so many things started to pour out of me. The sense of immediate overwhelm almost left me catatonic…I was paralyzed with “what the hell is going on here??” kind of thoughts, and so many repressed feelings. Feelings of guilt, inadequacies, sadness, fear, loss, anger, resentment, years of self abuse, and ultimately a real longing for something more…but honestly I had no idea for what.
It has been 6 months since I have walked away from what I had thought was my security, future security, financial security, health security, benefits, etc, I realize that I had been putting my faith in all of the wrong things for far too long, and now that I am clawing my way out of the hole I have created for myself, and trying to climb out into the sunshine, I realize that I may never go back to that work no matter how good the money is. I also am learning first hand that I may have to let my life completely bottom out before I am actually successful at starting over again!
For someone who has always been the “fixer” and the “protector”, the idea that I may not have hit rock bottom yet, is very hard for me to acknowledge, but one that I am staring in the face.
There is a little church song that I grew up singing. It is called something like Spirit of the Living God Fall Afresh On Me…at least those are some of the words I can remember. The words to the chorus are:
- Spirit of the Living God fall afresh on me
- Spirit of the Living God fall afresh on me
- Break me
- Melt me
- Mold me (we also added “Fill me” here too)
- Use me
- Spirit of the Living God fall afresh on me
I find that I am singing this song a lot lately. I think I am at the “Break me” point of this song. And man, can I tell you, it is rough…I have cried more in the last six months than I think I may have ever cried in the entirety of the rest of my life.
I know that really is more than the “break me” part, but I just have to keep pushing through to get to the melt me, mold me, fill me, use me parts of this little song. I just wish that the break me part wasn’t taking so long, or that it wasn’t quite as painful as it is turning out to be.
That is what arting is helping me move through. When I art, it forces me to be quiet – to shut up – to stop talking – stop over thinking everything – stop trying to control everything! That is just not possible in art! When you are arting, you have no choice but to go with the flow, and see where the finish product will take you!
I know that God has big things in store for my life…I have known that since I was a wee child! I just don’t know what that life is going to look like. I pray that it has to do with tons of arting and helping women! Those two things feeds my soul and makes me smile all the way down to my spleen, like I never thought possible! I want to be able to sit down and say, “I can NOT BELIEVE that I get paid to do this! I would SOOOOOO do this for free!!”
In the meantime, there is a very good possibility that I am going to lose my home, which in my heart I am okay with, in my head I am completely rebelling against the idea! I have been teetering with the idea of going back to my old job, just to help save our place, but the other night I had a dream that I had gone back to my old job, and in my dream, I was sitting at my office desk, getting ready to work. I looked up, noticed where I was, and I could literally see and feel my insides turn black like charred paper that had been set on fire, curl up and crumble away, into charcoal dust in the wind. I immediately awoke, feeling so sick to my stomach from what I had just seen and felt. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I could never go back, but then what? What am I going to do?
Do I keep pushing forward with my art? Teaching art classes and leading my Soul Book Club?? My soul shouts “YES!!!!” at the top of her lungs when she hears that message! So, I DO KNOW that that is what I am supposed to be doing, but how can I make a living doing that? I am not sure.
Until I figure that out, I am just going to have to keep walking in faith.
- Faith that I am not alone.
- Faith that even if we do lose everything, that this is a process. A process to help get me back on the path that I was meant for, not the one I had been mindlessly following for so long.
- Faith that God really does have a plan for me.
- Faith that God is talking to me through my soul whispers, and I really need to keep listening to Him.
- Faith that everything really will be alright!
Wow! Could that have been any longer of an answer?? I just wanted to make sure you knew where my motives were coming from, and I am guessing there are going to be some big changes coming in the form of my living arrangement, which might effect how some of you get a hold of me, but after talking through it with myself…that is ok. It really will all be ok! I am worth fighting for, even if that might be the hardest thing I have ever had to do!!
Here is to living a life that is both artsy and authentically me!
