So, it has been a very VERY busy weekend. I know I have done a LOT, but am not sure I can remember all of it…I am feeling a really bad case of brain fog right now. I am assuming that that is just going to be the way it is going to be for a while.
Good days and bad days.
Yesterday, I started my day by traveling to Salem to have my monthly pedicure, which was much appreciated, and the hour of pampering was much needed. Before leaving town, I decided to stop in on my sister, and the kiddos (who are all teenagers/young adults now – when did that happen??)! My sister is in the middle of remodeling her new place, so I enjoyed seeing how her plans were going, and giving some free decorating advice – one of my FAVE pastimes! 🙂 We then changed to the topic of “Okay, Chrissy, what you are you going to do next?” WHEW! Well, there was some ideas exchanged, thoughts, support, love shared, I just LOVE me people!! 🙂 and I left feeling pretty good – at least knowing that there is a light at the end of this non-chosen, dark tunnel.
Played happy music during my hour-long drive at home, and was super motivated, because we were having a rare late-winter, early-spring sunny day here in the great pacific northwest! Got home, threw open all of the windows in the house, and kept the music and the optimism going!
I am going through the process of deep cleaning, re-decorating, re-purposing, and Chrissy-fying each of the rooms in my house. 1. because I am struggling to sit still, 2. I am struggling to acknowledge just how deeply sad I am, and how much I have let myself get so dependent on my hubby for just about everything – I am worried that if I really let myself sit with this pain, I am going to have to have someone come take my girls, because I am not a good fur-baby-mama when I am in a deep depression and I feel like if I am not careful, I am going to fall deep this time. How would I ever get out? Hubby would’ve helped me with that too.
Well, yesterday, as I was 100% in the groove, I started to work on the main living room. It was time, and I can NOT stand the stagnant energy in there!! It was time to make a big change! I just rolled my sleeves up, made the music louder and just started going for it. I was going really well, until all of the sudden I saw our naked hard wood floors and my inner gremlin said,
“Do you see that naked floor? That is what your life is going to be like without hubby. Naked, raw, bare, sad, cold. Now what are you going to do?”
The thought literally knocked the wind out of my sails. I sat down, mid-movement, I was paralyzed.
I. could. not. do. this.
I could not breathe.
I could not think.
I could not feel.
I could not care.
I could not stop crying.
Nothing mattered. None of this. None of it. Nothing that we had worked so hard to create, because we thought it would make us happy, and now here I was sitting there, by myself, and was I happy? No. Not even remotely close.
I called a friend. Desperate. Crying. My friend drove a little over an hour to come and sit with me. He held my hand. Helped me finish the living room. It looks great. but my friend kept his distance. New promises were made. I had a glimmer of hope – not much, but even a speck of a glimmer is better than nothing. I kissed my friend. It was awkward, and I was embarrassed that I did it. I needed the physical touch. To feel. To remember that I am a loving, passionate, and deeply feeling person. (even if hubby has fallen out of love with me). I should not have done it. I knew I would not tell anybody, out of self-shame. It was a boundary I should not have crossed. He was gracious, hugged me and told me goodbye. A cacophony of mixed emotions. Grateful that the living room was gorgeous, and feels so energetically large/free/joyful/clear, and so incredibly sad that my friend had left again. I am going to have to get used to that feeling. It is not a feeling I welcome.
(Just to preemptively stop anyone from freaking out at me – that friend was hubby.)
I slept fitfully, and woke much earlier than I would prefer, but I am starting the day in the energy that I consciously choose, so joy it is, baby!! I woke the girls, took them out for their morning potty, and started my day. I stepped on the scale, and I realize that I have lost 14 pounds since all of this has started – I guess that is something. (Jenny Craig eat your heart out!!).
Random side note: Hubby is looking a bit skeletal too, we have both made comments to each other that we need to be eating. (Loving/caring for each other is not and never will be the problem – I just felt I needed to say that out loud).
Anyway, the living room was done, the quiet room was done earlier in the month, as was the library, pantry, and kitchen, so next was the master bedroom – the place where I slept. I really wanted a bohemian-vibing space, but was really scared to clear hubby’s things out of that room. That change feels very final, somehow, and I am not sure if I can sit with that feeling without drowning. (Chrissy’s highest-self speaking…she can and she will…she has gone through so many traumatic events in her life, and she has always come out the other side stronger, braver, and more compassionate). So there you go!
“I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realized, and I was still alive… And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – JK Rowling
My niece and nephew had made arrangements to come over to help me with the living room yesterday, but those plans changed, and they were going to come over to help with that today. Since that was already done, I asked if they could help me get my mattress down to the floor, and they eagerly agreed! (I just LOVE my (almost-grown) “babies”!!!!) So I started moving everything, clearing things off, dusting, vacuuming, and ba-da-bing, the mattress is on the floor, and they helped me put together my idea for a make-shift headboard, and I do not love it yet, but this is all a process, so there is more work to do to get the Chrissy stamp of approval, but it, just like the my new life, and my new me is still a work in process.
The kids had just left, and I started to cry again. I know that all of these changes are good for the me that I am becoming, but that does not mean that I am not still going to have bouts of mourning for the life that I used to have. I am figuring that this is a process. I did not want to fall into the same despair spiral as yesterday, so decided to start writing. I am not sure if anyone will ever read these thoughts, but I am sure there are others out there, who are in similar situations to mine. So write I will.
Anyway, after I publish this post, I am heading back to the master bedroom, with happy tunes playing over my speaker, and I am getting back to work. The bed is partially made, and I have something like 500 romance novels gathering dust, that I need to just pack up. Every nook and cranny is getting a deep cleaning – all bad, stagnant, energy is being evicted. I have quite a large plant collection, and I am planning on bringing in some alive energy, colorful pillows, throw blankets, and I am letting the sun rays shine all over the space.
Mama has a whole heck-of-a-lotta plans to be making, and I want every space in this house to feel like a have, a place that “rises up to greet me” as Oprah likes to say! 🙂
As soon as I can figure out how to share pics on this blog, I will do it – for some reason wordpress is not liking iPhone pics. but honey, if that is the hardest thing I have to deal with this week, then I am doing pretty freakin’ good!
Here is to cleaning up, removing what no longer serves you, and living life consciously and on purpose!
~Chrissy