Monthly Archives: March 2021

Busy Weekend!

So, it has been a very VERY busy weekend. I know I have done a LOT, but am not sure I can remember all of it…I am feeling a really bad case of brain fog right now. I am assuming that that is just going to be the way it is going to be for a while.

Good days and bad days.

Yesterday, I started my day by traveling to Salem to have my monthly pedicure, which was much appreciated, and the hour of pampering was much needed. Before leaving town, I decided to stop in on my sister, and the kiddos (who are all teenagers/young adults now – when did that happen??)! My sister is in the middle of remodeling her new place, so I enjoyed seeing how her plans were going, and giving some free decorating advice – one of my FAVE pastimes! 🙂 We then changed to the topic of “Okay, Chrissy, what you are you going to do next?” WHEW! Well, there was some ideas exchanged, thoughts, support, love shared, I just LOVE me people!! 🙂 and I left feeling pretty good – at least knowing that there is a light at the end of this non-chosen, dark tunnel.

Played happy music during my hour-long drive at home, and was super motivated, because we were having a rare late-winter, early-spring sunny day here in the great pacific northwest! Got home, threw open all of the windows in the house, and kept the music and the optimism going!

I am going through the process of deep cleaning, re-decorating, re-purposing, and Chrissy-fying each of the rooms in my house. 1. because I am struggling to sit still, 2. I am struggling to acknowledge just how deeply sad I am, and how much I have let myself get so dependent on my hubby for just about everything – I am worried that if I really let myself sit with this pain, I am going to have to have someone come take my girls, because I am not a good fur-baby-mama when I am in a deep depression and I feel like if I am not careful, I am going to fall deep this time. How would I ever get out? Hubby would’ve helped me with that too.

Well, yesterday, as I was 100% in the groove, I started to work on the main living room. It was time, and I can NOT stand the stagnant energy in there!! It was time to make a big change! I just rolled my sleeves up, made the music louder and just started going for it. I was going really well, until all of the sudden I saw our naked hard wood floors and my inner gremlin said,

“Do you see that naked floor? That is what your life is going to be like without hubby. Naked, raw, bare, sad, cold. Now what are you going to do?”

The thought literally knocked the wind out of my sails. I sat down, mid-movement, I was paralyzed.

I. could. not. do. this.

I could not breathe.

I could not think.

I could not feel.

I could not care.

I could not stop crying.

Nothing mattered. None of this. None of it. Nothing that we had worked so hard to create, because we thought it would make us happy, and now here I was sitting there, by myself, and was I happy? No. Not even remotely close.

I called a friend. Desperate. Crying. My friend drove a little over an hour to come and sit with me. He held my hand. Helped me finish the living room. It looks great. but my friend kept his distance. New promises were made. I had a glimmer of hope – not much, but even a speck of a glimmer is better than nothing. I kissed my friend. It was awkward, and I was embarrassed that I did it. I needed the physical touch. To feel. To remember that I am a loving, passionate, and deeply feeling person. (even if hubby has fallen out of love with me). I should not have done it. I knew I would not tell anybody, out of self-shame. It was a boundary I should not have crossed. He was gracious, hugged me and told me goodbye. A cacophony of mixed emotions. Grateful that the living room was gorgeous, and feels so energetically large/free/joyful/clear, and so incredibly sad that my friend had left again. I am going to have to get used to that feeling. It is not a feeling I welcome.

(Just to preemptively stop anyone from freaking out at me – that friend was hubby.)

I slept fitfully, and woke much earlier than I would prefer, but I am starting the day in the energy that I consciously choose, so joy it is, baby!! I woke the girls, took them out for their morning potty, and started my day. I stepped on the scale, and I realize that I have lost 14 pounds since all of this has started – I guess that is something. (Jenny Craig eat your heart out!!).

Random side note: Hubby is looking a bit skeletal too, we have both made comments to each other that we need to be eating. (Loving/caring for each other is not and never will be the problem – I just felt I needed to say that out loud).

Anyway, the living room was done, the quiet room was done earlier in the month, as was the library, pantry, and kitchen, so next was the master bedroom – the place where I slept. I really wanted a bohemian-vibing space, but was really scared to clear hubby’s things out of that room. That change feels very final, somehow, and I am not sure if I can sit with that feeling without drowning. (Chrissy’s highest-self speaking…she can and she will…she has gone through so many traumatic events in her life, and she has always come out the other side stronger, braver, and more compassionate). So there you go!

“I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realized, and I was still alive… And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – JK Rowling

My niece and nephew had made arrangements to come over to help me with the living room yesterday, but those plans changed, and they were going to come over to help with that today. Since that was already done, I asked if they could help me get my mattress down to the floor, and they eagerly agreed! (I just LOVE my (almost-grown) “babies”!!!!) So I started moving everything, clearing things off, dusting, vacuuming, and ba-da-bing, the mattress is on the floor, and they helped me put together my idea for a make-shift headboard, and I do not love it yet, but this is all a process, so there is more work to do to get the Chrissy stamp of approval, but it, just like the my new life, and my new me is still a work in process.

The kids had just left, and I started to cry again. I know that all of these changes are good for the me that I am becoming, but that does not mean that I am not still going to have bouts of mourning for the life that I used to have. I am figuring that this is a process. I did not want to fall into the same despair spiral as yesterday, so decided to start writing. I am not sure if anyone will ever read these thoughts, but I am sure there are others out there, who are in similar situations to mine. So write I will.

Anyway, after I publish this post, I am heading back to the master bedroom, with happy tunes playing over my speaker, and I am getting back to work. The bed is partially made, and I have something like 500 romance novels gathering dust, that I need to just pack up. Every nook and cranny is getting a deep cleaning – all bad, stagnant, energy is being evicted. I have quite a large plant collection, and I am planning on bringing in some alive energy, colorful pillows, throw blankets, and I am letting the sun rays shine all over the space.

Mama has a whole heck-of-a-lotta plans to be making, and I want every space in this house to feel like a have, a place that “rises up to greet me” as Oprah likes to say! 🙂

As soon as I can figure out how to share pics on this blog, I will do it – for some reason wordpress is not liking iPhone pics. but honey, if that is the hardest thing I have to deal with this week, then I am doing pretty freakin’ good!

Here is to cleaning up, removing what no longer serves you, and living life consciously and on purpose!

~Chrissy

My Husband of 26 Years Left Me!

My husband of 26 years left me.

Believe me when I tell you that is a sentence I NEVER thought I would say! That is definitely an understatement. The thing is, it came as such a shock – do a lot of people say that (it came as such a shock?), I feel like they do.

Grab a cuppa, because mama has got some tea to spill (although, in this case it is my tea, so I am not sure that lingo applies here, but it is my blog, so I am going to use it – there ya go!)

I have been working so many hours at a really intense and stressful job (the story of my life), and I think that most of us are in agreement that the world has gone ABSOLUTELY topsy-turvy from March 2020 to now, that if there were any signs I DEFINITELY did NOT see them!

My husband and I met when we were 18, and the minute I saw him, I knew that he was the man that I was going to marry. I felt an electric charge as sure as if someone had hooked me up to a live power outlet. It really was a magical feeling – I attributed it to Pure Source intervention! Being so young, we had no money, and most everyone thought that there would be NO WAY that we would make it past the 3-week mark, but here we are, having just celebrated our 26th anniversary this past July 1st.

It was a really hard start…lots of struggles, compromises, learning, and growing. Until bing-bang-boom, we were in the swing of things, and that swing was going VERY well! We would come up against one hurdle, and then another, and then another, but every time we would always ask the question, “Do you love me?”, and if either of us ever said no then we would call it quits, and we just NEVER said no.

Well, technically, we still have not said no, but what my hubby said to me was,

“I am happier without you”.

OUCH!

I can’t tell you the entire story, because I do not own the entire thing, and I will forewarn you that if I do tell you my side of the story, it may be simply lacking, as it is my perception as I remember it. (I think I heard some scientific something-or-other that said that the farther out an even the more changed it becomes in your memory – don’t quote me on that!). Anyway, he said it today, and although he moved out 2 Thursday’s ago, I am thinking it is still fresh enough in my head to document it as fact (a painful one at that).

I am not entirely sure what happened. I know that over the last year, and especially the last 6 months, my social butterfly, happy-go-lucky, hubby had started to seem really down. I just assumed it was because of the lockdown and their not being a lot of options for things to do – the being homebound was really starting to affect him. I think it may have been worse than that, unfortunately. He started to say things like,

“I don’t like socializing any more”

“I do not want to go out”

When we would go out, he would stay in the car, and never go in with me – wherever it was. It just really seemed to be getting sadder and sadder, and then progressively angrier and angrier. Coming from an abusive childhood, which is where my HSP/empath skills come from, it was palpable, and it seemed there was really not anything I could do about it.

When restrictions started lifting we would invite friends and family over, which was great, and it would seem that we would have a good time, but he would make comments like,

“I’m so lonely.”

someone would say,

“But Chrissy is here”

and he would quickly reply,

“I see her all the time, I don’t want to talk to her”

It was becoming obvious to me that he was getting bored of our life that we had created, and more importantly to me, he was getting bored with me.

I started meditating, praying, journaling, asking Source Energy for advice and guidance. I would Pray for hubby, do some Reiki energy work from afar to enrobe him in blessings before he would leave for his work day, but the little comments seemed to keep coming.

I found I was happier, vibing consistency higher, and the normal stressers in life didn’t feel so stressful, but hubby still seemed to be uninterested in me, so I read, and tried to find ideas on what I could do to help the situation.

I took up exercising – I know that hubby loves being in the great outdoors, and I do too, so I thought I would work my way up to hiking again through dancing and walking, and that made me feel even better.

By this point, hubby was starting to get really angry, just in general. Saying really negative comments that would shock and startle me – not to me or about me, but primarily political figures. I think all of the global news of all of the divisive political happenings the 2020 Presidential Election really took a toll on our psyche, but it seemed to have really hit him harder than I.

Then came the day, I can’t quite remember exactly when it happened, but I was in one room, and again I can’t remember what was happening (that little science lesson about the memory changing with time passing), I heard him really shouting – which he NEVER does, and I heard something crash. He put his fist through the wall. I still do not know what instigated that, but I am pretty sure it did not involve me at all.

It was loud, it was energetically intense, and it scared me in a profound way. It flashed me back to childhood days when a grownup in my life would go from peaceful to violently rage-ey with no warning. I realized that I was going to have to start checking the energy around him at all times to make sure that history (my childhood history) did not repeat itself.

He was so mortified that he had done that, that he stayed up late to literally fix the hole in the wall by morning – we had family coming over the next day, and he did not want anyone, especially the niece and nephews asking questions about it. He apologized some completely, that I put it out of my mind (mostly), and just tried to move forward. Because hubby is not typically a violent person (at least not since we were REALLY young)!

Life seemed to go back to normal, and then at Christmas I heard him make the “I talk to her all the time comment again” and thought to myself, okay chicka-pea, you have more work to do! SO I started to explore recipes, and try new herbs and seasonings. My hubby is quite the foodie and loves him some food, I am kind of meh when it comes to food, having had so much troubles with my digestion, so I typically keep it kind of bland, but this new recipe search and experimentation seemed to be doing the trick. Hubby would start finding recipes, or making suggestions, and (one of my new fave things) is that we would take turns being the sioux chef for each other. One of us would take on the role of lead cook the meal and the other would cut up all the fruit/veg and pull ingredients out the pantry for the lead cook, and then we would swap the next night!

I must tell you THAT was a lot of fun. He is a hoot in the kitchen!! I always did call him MY KITCHEN MAN!!! 🙂

That was so much fun, so I decided to spend some time putting together a playlist of all of the fun songs that have always caused us to dance, play, giggle, get up and move, whatever, and I called that my #1 Playing with Hubby playlist. I would put that on during our cooking or baking times, and make a party out of it. I was ignorantly blissful at this point, thinking our marriage was a DREAM!!!! 🙂

I also started putting more effort into my nutritional goals, as like many others, I have put on some COVID weight, so I started religiously intermittent fasting, and am happy to say that I am close to my pre-COVID weight, and because that feels so easy, I am going to keep going to see if I can get closer to goal weight.

I am digressing a bit. The point I am making here, is that, with the belief that I can only ever truly change my own behaviors and actions, I was consciously making changes to my lifestyle so that I could fill my cup back up to the tippy top, so that I could then be a happier wife for the hubby – thinking that THAT would make hubby happy too.

If you have made it this far, do you need to go refill your cuppa? No, okay, I will try to make this a bit faster.

On Feb 7th. I am in the living room watching a happy musical – singing at the top of my lungs (of course, because how else are show tunes supposed to be sung???). Hubby is in the kitchen cooking himself a late dinner of eggs and toast, because he had gotten home from work late. In the process of cleaning the kitchen, there was a loud crash of dishes and silverware. I thought hubby had fallen into the dishwasher, I had popped up, and ran over to see if he was okay. He was “okay” but he was in a rage. I do not know why, I still do not know what triggered it, but as soon as I got into his radius, he pointed that anger at me, yelling at me to get the “F” away from him. I was worried that in his rage, he would break more things, because as he is yelling at me (what he was saying outside of get away from me I can’t remember -thankfully) he is continuing to throw silverware at the cabinets…

I am going to stop there. I was not harmed, besides have the crap-o-la scared out of me, and left shaking, and all alone. Hubby disappeared. Left the house, did not come home. Was on radio silent and no one knew where he was. He came back the next day. We had a conversation and he essentially did not know what caused it, and told me he needed to be away from all people, because he was dangerous.

Thankfully I have family in high places, and I called one of my sisters, who works at medical facility to see what I could do to get hubby help. She helped him get into an emergency counselor and to his PCP really quickly. That seemed to help. Hubby came back home, and even though it felt a little precarious in the house – primarily because I was now scared of him exploding again, and he was thoroughly embarrassed, but it seemed like we were going to be okay.

Blah…blah….blah…we made a couple days and then we would disappear for night. No communication. Then home for a few nights, and then disappear again.

Flash forward to Feb 19th, and hubby went MIA again. I texted him, knowing that he would eventually get it, but basically told him that I need him to either choose to live at home or move out, the constant worrying about is he coming home or not was wreaking havoc on my anxiety. I also asked that we put some ground rules into place to make whichever way we do this work.

There was an agreement. All was set, but right away hubby was having some trouble with part of his end of the deal. and that was, I wanted a call every evening before bed, just so I know he is safe, and not sleeping in his truck on a random road somewhere – which was his lodging one or two of the nights he was MIA, I believe. Nothing else, he didn’t have to pay for anything, or have to make an appearance , I did not want to add any stress to his self-investigation/healing/walkabout/mid-life crisis – whatever you want to call what he is doing.

As you can imagine, I was getting frustrated. Started asking questions, that he either could not or would not answer – the verdict is out on that one. and that is when he said it,

“I am happier without you!”

It is still a punch in the gut, and I’m just writing it.

I hesitate sharing any of this. I do not air my personal life out on the interwebs, but I keep hearing

You need to share your story!

So, here I am, putting on my big-girl panties, and sharing. Just for documentation purposes. and maybe, in all honesty, just maybe, it might help someone else who may be going through the same situation. We shall see.

If you made it with me this far – Good’onya!!! I would like to get into the habit of writing like this again regularly. I am not sure anyone reads blogs any more, but I do know that the writing of the above has really helped my anxiety, and given me a little bit of hope that even though hubby and my marriage may be over, or maybe not, I am too tired to direct it all right now, but maybe this is just the door opening to something new.

With that in mind, I hope you all have an EXCELLENT evening!

~Chrissy B.